Friday, 31 January 2014

Meet Harry Flash, Son of Getting Fucked Over

Harry Flash!

My first FLAILSNAILS character ever!
Somehow still alive!
Finally reached level 2!

One time explorer of I CAN'T REMEMBER IT WAS SO LONG AGO I'M SORRY's island of potential doom. Explored tomb, helped release mummy and stood back while it was taken care of. Was paid many a small fortune for his share of mysterious gold slab which he has still not spent. Claimed glowing staff and egyptian spellbook containing many first level spells.

Explored Patrick's Mystical Land of Horrible Version of Liverpool. Fought many hipsters, thugs, general baddies, Neil Gaiman. Took on secret identity as Magic Reporter for local Otherpool rag. Claimed armfuls of "wands" (actually guns) and a camera with which to screw with other people's FLAILSNAILS games. Consistently failed to fire man-portable MAGIC psychic 40k shuriken cannon despite high wisdom. Was thrown out of reality like a really arty panel from We3 by a goth chick's psychic attack, landed next to her, brained her with MAGIC cannon because it never fucking worked when I needed it too. Extended impotence metaphor. Got heart-fucked by more fucked up eldar weaponry. Almost bled to death on ground until in a stroke of great fortune was warped to Arnold's game. Fate uncertain.

Several times explored Arnold's Funhouse of Hours and Poor Decisions. Entered gloopy hospital, avoided horrors, had main spellbook stolen by rogue glacier REALLY FUNNY ARNOLD THANKS, lucked out of grasp of evil under-ice diver, gained stylishly protective green felt suit, beefriended zany bee people, helped steal an ancient, bloodthirsty motorbike, failed to hit anyone with a hyperpowerful magic bullet, finally ran out of gun/wand bullets/charges, took half of a giant key as my weapon of choice, gained silver nitrate veins after smoking zany bong, lost several kilos after eating zany meat, fell asleep and briefly became hyperintelligent, hypercharismatic cripple after drinking zany wine, nearly died to drunk ghouls due to misplaced heroism.

Currently Harry Flash is leveling up whilst sleeping in abandoned house in a town where everyone is turning into ghouls contained within a pocket dimension accessed via a trash chute past a ravening wendigo-train roaring around train-tracked corridors within a gloopy living hospital which is crawling towards a fucked up post-apocalyptic Pittsburgh whilst he is potentially bleeding to death in another dimension.

Such is life for a FLAILSNAILS character.

Harry Flash through time -

Otherpool (veins retroactively added):
After shopping in Pittsburgh:
Post-Anorexia meat and Anorexia wine:

At least I have my pictures.

First image as new reporter, selfie with leader of the hipsters. I had persuaded them my wizard clothes were ironic:

Then during last week's House of Hours I realised I still had the camera and took some photos (still waiting to be developed):

 By the way this is Harry Flash's equipment as of this moment:


  1. You make it sound pretty horrible and nonsensical. Which I guess it is, after all. For the record, Harry Flash CAN'T STOP PUTTING THINGS IN HIS MOUTH, which is a fine habit if Harray was a puppy or at an orgy, but much sketchier as a dungeoneering habit.

    And that's a great goldfish. He's a charmer.

    1. It was for comic effect!
      And what can I say? I was hoping that one day I would eat or drink something that was good due to the laws of averages but on balance there has never been something that is good to eat or drink in a dungeon.