Friday 31 January 2014

Meet Harry Flash, Son of Getting Fucked Over

Harry Flash!

My first FLAILSNAILS character ever!
Somehow still alive!
Finally reached level 2!

One time explorer of I CAN'T REMEMBER IT WAS SO LONG AGO I'M SORRY's island of potential doom. Explored tomb, helped release mummy and stood back while it was taken care of. Was paid many a small fortune for his share of mysterious gold slab which he has still not spent. Claimed glowing staff and egyptian spellbook containing many first level spells.

Explored Patrick's Mystical Land of Horrible Version of Liverpool. Fought many hipsters, thugs, general baddies, Neil Gaiman. Took on secret identity as Magic Reporter for local Otherpool rag. Claimed armfuls of "wands" (actually guns) and a camera with which to screw with other people's FLAILSNAILS games. Consistently failed to fire man-portable MAGIC psychic 40k shuriken cannon despite high wisdom. Was thrown out of reality like a really arty panel from We3 by a goth chick's psychic attack, landed next to her, brained her with MAGIC cannon because it never fucking worked when I needed it too. Extended impotence metaphor. Got heart-fucked by more fucked up eldar weaponry. Almost bled to death on ground until in a stroke of great fortune was warped to Arnold's game. Fate uncertain.

Several times explored Arnold's Funhouse of Hours and Poor Decisions. Entered gloopy hospital, avoided horrors, had main spellbook stolen by rogue glacier REALLY FUNNY ARNOLD THANKS, lucked out of grasp of evil under-ice diver, gained stylishly protective green felt suit, beefriended zany bee people, helped steal an ancient, bloodthirsty motorbike, failed to hit anyone with a hyperpowerful magic bullet, finally ran out of gun/wand bullets/charges, took half of a giant key as my weapon of choice, gained silver nitrate veins after smoking zany bong, lost several kilos after eating zany meat, fell asleep and briefly became hyperintelligent, hypercharismatic cripple after drinking zany wine, nearly died to drunk ghouls due to misplaced heroism.

Currently Harry Flash is leveling up whilst sleeping in abandoned house in a town where everyone is turning into ghouls contained within a pocket dimension accessed via a trash chute past a ravening wendigo-train roaring around train-tracked corridors within a gloopy living hospital which is crawling towards a fucked up post-apocalyptic Pittsburgh whilst he is potentially bleeding to death in another dimension.

Such is life for a FLAILSNAILS character.

Harry Flash through time -

Otherpool (veins retroactively added):
After shopping in Pittsburgh:
Post-Anorexia meat and Anorexia wine:

At least I have my pictures.

First image as new reporter, selfie with leader of the hipsters. I had persuaded them my wizard clothes were ironic:

Then during last week's House of Hours I realised I still had the camera and took some photos (still waiting to be developed):

 By the way this is Harry Flash's equipment as of this moment:

Monday 27 January 2014

Gothenburg's Prime Gameables

I just came back from Sweden because that's something which you can do from this country.
The location: Gothenburg (or, more properly, Göteborg), which had a museum with Vikings and shit in it.
I took many pictures so I'll tuck them in after a jump because I am nice and don't want to waste all of your internet.

Here are some things I wrote down rather than taking photos, presented as a table of misc things:

1. Thin silver coins from around the world, stamped with images from legends of the land they were minted.
2. Chaos sword that looks as shitty and lumpy as dug up Viking swords look now.
3. Two kings throw dice to decide who owns a piece of land. They both roll double sixes the first time. They both roll double sixes the second time. The third time one rolls double sixes, the other rolls double sixes but one die splits in two to show a seven. The kings shake hands and part amiably, ownership of the land decided.
4. A gold ring which, on every ninth night, creates 8 duplicates.
5. Thunder and lightning are not scary because it is just Thor doing his job killing evil giants.
6. Flying longship is big enough to carry all the gods, yet folds neatly into a pocket.

Friday 24 January 2014

200 Failed Medieval Careers

I like the idea that new characters start with a profession they failed at/got bored with/were fired from before they started out on the road to fortune and doom.
I made the jobs pretty standard because I am boring and so try to keep things fairly normal until the Weird Shit starts happening, so there are no leech-fuckers or tree-gobblers or anything like that.
But you can rename them if you want I don't mind!

Also I managed to get to 200 things with only like 2 joke options which for me is fucking amazing.

If you're complaining because your weedy, highly intelligent wizard used to be a bouncer then I guess that's why he got fired, right?

Spreadsheets for you to have!

The thing I just finished:
d200 Failed Medieval Careers

Hey what you found some esoteric bullshit mundane medieval job?! Chuck it on here! It could be great!
Public spreadsheet YOU can edit! (Edit: Someone's turned this into a 5e version!)


Basic Deal

At char gen roll a random profession!
 - A free (often repurposed) weapon!
 - A free random extra thing!
 - A bonus to doing stuff if you can justify it being related to your job!

With thanks to/stolen from:

DCC quickstart guide
Giblet Blizzard (often translated from weird-ese for portability, sorry Jez!)

Tenkar's Tavern

Roles, Rules and Rolls

The Table Itself in case you are unable to get to the spreadsheet:

Roll Occupation Starting Weapon Something extra
1 Academic Staff Quill and ink
2 Actor Cudgel Flowers, 1 bunch
3 Alchemist Staff Oil, 1 flask
4 Animal Trainer Whip Pony
5 Apothecary Dagger Pestle and mortar
6 Aristocrat Rapier Foppish wig
7 Armourer Spiked gauntlet (cestus) Iron helmet
8 Artist Sharpened paintbrush Self portrait
9 Assassin Knife in sleeve sheathe Poison, 1 dose
10 Astrologer Wiggly dagger Spyglass
11 Atilliator Crossbow Iron bars
12 Baker Breadknife Bread, 1 loaf
13 Barber Straight razor Scissors
14 Bartender Crossbow Beer, 6 pack
15 Beekeeper Jar of bees Honey, 1 jar
16 Beggar Sling Crutches
17 Bellringer Long hook (mancatcher) Rope, 50'
18 Besom maker Broom (staff) Corn stalks, 1 bundle
19 Blacksmith Blacksmith's hammer Steel tongs
20 Bloodletter Knife Leeches, 1 jar
21 Bodger Knife Shaving horse
22 Bouncer Brass knuckles Groin protection
23 Bowyer Longbow Spare bowstring
24 Brewer Keg tapper Cask of ale
25 Bricklayer Bricklaying stick (staff) Bag of bricks
26 Busker Reinforced instrument Instrument case.
27 Butcher Meat cleaver Ham hock
28 Butler Empty bottle Tin serving tray
29 Candlestick maker Candlestick 3 candles
30 Caravan guard Shortsword Linen, 1 yard
31 Cartographer Shortsword Local area map
32 Chalk cutter Chisel Chalk, 5 pieces
33 Charcoal burner Scoop Charcoal, 1 bag
34 Cheesemonger Cheesewire (garotte) Cheese, 1 wheel
35 Chimney sweep Broom (staff) Wire brush
36 Chirurgeon Bonesaw Needle and thread
37 Clockmaker Turnscrew (ye olde screwdriver) Specialist's tools
38 Clown Club Huge shoes
39 Cobbler Awl Shoehorn
40 Colporteur Letter opener Religious tome
41 Cook Fillet knife Chef hat
42 Cooper Crowbar Barrel
43 Courtesan Stiletto in boot sheath Make up kit
44 Crystal carver Chisel Crystals, 1 pouch
45 Cultist Wiggly dagger Blood, 1 pint
46 Cutpurse Dagger Small chest
47 Dentist Hammer Sack of teeth
48 Diplomat Cudgel Fancy clothes
49 Ditch digger Shovel Dirt, 1 bag
50 Dog breeder Whip Dog
51 Drug dealer Shank Cocaine-analog, 1 oz.
52 Dung collector Pitchfork Manure, 1 bag
53 Dyer Stirring paddle (club) 3 small jars of dye
54 Engraver Chisel 3 Etchings
55 Falconer Thick leather glove Trained hawk
56 False prophet Staff Devoted disciple
57 Farmer (crops) Scythe Ox
58 Farmer (dairy) Goad (spear) Milk, 1 pint
59 Farmer (drugs) Shank 3 joints
60 Farmer (flowers) Spade Flowers, 1 bunch
61 Farmer (fruit) Garden shears Fruit, 1 bag (5 standard rations)
62 Farmer (herbs) Sickle Herbs, 1 pouch
63 Farmer (mushrooms) Trowel (dagger) Mushrooms, 1 bag
64 Farmer (pigs) Crook (staff) Piglet
65 Farmer (poultry) Boning knife Hen
66 Farmer (vegetables) Hoe (staff) Vegetables, 1 bag (5 standard rations)
67 Farmer (worms)  Club Worms, 1 jar
68 Farrier Hoof nippers (club) Horseshoe, iron
69 Fence Light crossbow 10sp sewn into jacket hem
70 Fireman Fire axe Bucket
71 Fisherman (freshwater) Boning knife Fishing rod & tackle
72 Fisherman (sea) Large net Fish
73 Flagellant Thick, knotted rope (flail) Shitty relic
74 Fletcher Shortbow Arrows, Bundle of 100
75 Cupbearer Steak knife Antidote, 1 vial
76 Forester Longbow Bear trap
77 Fortune teller Wiggly dagger Tarot deck
78 Fowler Boning knife Dog
79 Fuller Club Bale of wool
80 Furrier Skinning knife Dog pelt
81 Gambler Club Dice
82 Gardener Shovel Secateurs
83 Glassblower Glassblowing tube 3 empty jars
84 Gluemaker Huge spoon Glue, 1 pot
85 Gong farmer Trowel (dagger) Night soil, 1 bag
86 Pimp Cane (club) Fancy clothes
87 Grave digger Shovel Grave dirt, 1 bag
88 Grave robber Shovel Small yet valuable totem (5sp)
89 Greengrocer Staff Handcart
90 Grifter Dagger Quality cloak
91 Gutter cleaner Gutter pole (staff) Bucket
92 Gyspy Sling Voodoo doll
93 Haberdasher Scissors (dagger) Pocketful of buttons
94 Handyman Hammer Ladder
95 Hawker Dagger Small, valuable goods (10sp)
96 Hayward Shears Horn
97 Faith healer Club Holy water, 1 vial
98 Chapman Shortsword Pony
99 Herbalist Dagger Herbs, 1 pouch
100 Hermit Gnarled oak club Bearskin cloak
101 Horse whisperer Lassoo (mancatcher) Horse hair brush
102 Hunter Shortbow Deer Pelt
103 Icecutter Ice saw Big chunk of ice
104 Incense bearer Censor (flail) Incense
105 Jester Dart Silk clothes
106 Jeweler Chisel (dagger) Uncut jewel worth 20sp
107 Joiner Mallet Chair
108 Knacker Hammer Jar of glue
109 Lamp lighter 10' pole Flint and tinder
110 Lawyer Rapier Law books
111 Leatherworker Club Leather armour
112 Hetheleder Long knife Heather, 1 bag
113 Librarian Letter opener Interesting book
114 Lighterman Ten foot pole Shallow-bottomed boat
115 Linkboy Big stick (club) Hooded lantern
116 Locksmith Dagger Specialist's tools
117 Lookout Shortbow Spyglass
118 Mason Hammer Chunk of marble
119 Mercenary Longsword Leather armour
120 Messenger Shortbow Horse
121 Midwife Scalpel (dagger) Forceps
122 Miller Club Flour, 1 bag.
123 Milliner Scissors (dagger) Vial of mercury
124 Miner Pickaxe Bag of coal
125 Minstrel Dagger Lame instrument
126 Moneylender Dagger 3d6 sp
127 Monk Staff Religious tome
128 Mucker Pitchfork (spear) Broom
129 Night watchman Truncheon Shiny steel helmet
130 Nobleman's son Longsword silver ring worth 20 sp
131 Organ thief Scalpel (dagger) Spare kidney on ice in sack
132 Orphan Big stick (medium, smashy) Rag doll
133 Ostler Staff Bridle
134 Outlaw Shortsword Leather armour
135 Oyster raker Rake Crushed oyster shells, 1 bag
136 Painter Paint scraper (dagger) Paints and brushes
137 Parchment maker Scraping knife (dagger) Parchment, 3 pieces
138 Pawnbroker Crossbow Fancy clothes
139 Peat cutter Spade Peat, 1 bag
140 Philosopher Sharp pen Large, half-empty tome
141 Pickler Ladle Brine, 1 jar
142 Pie maker Rolling pin Delicious pie
143 Pirate Cutlass Treasure map
144 Plague doctor Knife Crow-beaked mask
145 Postman Cudgel Handcart
146 Prison warden Mancatcher Bunch of keys
147 Prostitute Brass knuckles Make up kit
148 Puppeteer Club Puppet
149 Quill cutter Dagger Uncut feathers, 2d4
150 Rat catcher Long net (staff) Small but vicious dog
151 Riverbank comber Gaff hook (mancatcher) Manky net
152 Sailor Shortsword Spyglass
153 Scholar Dagger Complicated Book
154 Scribe Darts Parchment, 10 sheets
155 Scrimshaw Engraving awl (dagger) Ivory, 1 piece
156 Scullion Stick Raggedy clothing
157 Seamstress Long needle (dagger) Unspun wool
158 Servant Dagger Locket
159 Sewerhand Staff Stanky clothes
160 Shaman Mace Herbs, 1 pouch
161 Shepherd Crook (staff) Sheep
162 Shingler Mallet Roof tiles
163 Shipwright Hammer Pocketful of nails
164 Shoe shiner Shinin' rag (garotte) Shoe polish
165 Shrubber Shears A herring
166 Sinecure Rapier Wax seal stamp
167 Slave Club Funny looking rock
168 Slaver Whip Map of foreign lands
169 Smuggler Sling Waterproof sack
170 Soldier Spear Shield
171 Spice merchant Club Spice, 1 bag
172 Spy Dagger in sleeve sheath Specialist's tools
173 Squire Longsword Steel helmet
174 Stevedore Crowbar Empty crate
175 Stonecutter Sledgehammer Fossil
176 Milkmaid Wooden stool Milk bucket
177 Street magician Staff White rabbit
178 Street sweeper Broom (staff) Trash, 1 bag
179 Tailor Long needle (dagger) Fine clothes
180 Taxidermist Long needle (dagger) Stuffed cat
181 Thatcher Shearing hook (axe) Legget
182 Thief Dagger 5 caltrops
183 Thug Club Necklace of teeth
184 Tinker Hammer Tin snips
185 Torturer Jagged knife Specialist's tools
186 Trader Shortsword 20 cp
187 Trapper Sling Badger pelt
188 Urchin Big stick Alms bowl
189 Vaginarius Shortsword Ornate scabbard
190 Vagrant Hobbling cane (staff) Alms bowl
191 Veterinarian Long needle (dagger) Painkillers
192 Village idiot Sausage Urine, 1 pint
193 Vintner Staff Fine wine, 1 bottle
194 Wainwright Club Pushcart
195 Water carrier Staff Two wooden buckets
196 Weaponsmith Longsword Oils and whetstones
197 Weaver Dagger Fine suit of clothes
198 Window tapper Staff 10' pole
199 Woodcutter Handaxe Wood, 1 bundle
200 Zealot Gnarled staff Soapbox

Saturday 18 January 2014

Mysteries of the Dyslexic Mage

It is said that Gimblewang made a deal with the Devil.

"I want to be the mightiest wizard!" he must have said. "I shall create many new spells and my name shall be known in all the lands!"
"Well then, ok", said the Devil. "I will give you a choice. Either upon your death you forfeit your everliving soul to burn in hellfire for evermore, or I inflict you with a minor disability."
 "Err, the second one thanks."

And thus was Gimblewang both blessed and cursed, for despite his mighty magical abilities and prodigious spell creating prowess, he always got words slightly wrong.

His prolific career in spell research and creation ("one of these days I'll make a good spell! You'll see!") resulted in a proliferation of unconventional yet surprisingly intuitive scrolls in the dark places of the world, especially since he could never manage to read his notes on where he'd left them.

Thus did the Devil uphold his end of the bargain, and thus too began the legend of the Dyslexic Mage.

Spells of the Dyslexic Mage

Level 1

Gloating Disk
A real arsehole of a disk follows you around for an hour, telling you all about how great it is to be a slightly concave, circular plane of force. Using it as an actual floating disk is fine but it will constantly brag about how much it can lift and mock the value of your loot and choices.

Manipulate Fir
Certain species of coniferous evergreen trees which commonly grow in mountainous areas will obey your every wish.

Target receives a really good massage. Doubles rate of healing while resting. Roll d4: 1. Shiatsu 2. Deep tissue 3. Thai 4. Erotic

Level 2
Arcane Lick
Target feels something lick them. Caster's choice of sloppiness, tongue roughness, and location.

Caster gains in-depth knowledge of obscure sport from distant land. Roll d6: 1. Malaysian Kickball 2. Catfish Noodling 3. Pesäpallo 4. Buzkashi 5. ōllamaliztli 6. Cricket

Peak with Animals
You and all animals within 50' get really fucking high together.

Level 3

Explosive Prunes
Magic-Users are miserly and jealous people, guarding their healthy snacks as if they can take them to the grave. The caster draws mystic symbols upon a handful of prunes, raisins, figs or similar dessicated fruit. The prunes detonate when chewed, blowing the victim's head clean off and dealing 2d6 damage to all within a 10' radius, save vs Magic for half. The caster and any other beings specifically instructed can eat the protected snacks without triggering the prunes.

Secret Age
Any reference to the caster's date of birth is permanently expunged from history and memory and people's estimates of the caster's age will be off by at least 10 years.

Speak with Dad
The caster communes with their father no matter the distance. This spell does not make your dad any less disappointed in you for becoming a wizard but he's happy to hear from you and you should come home soon your mother really misses you.

Level 4
A random dog is teleported directly to your location from somewhere in the world, although it will not necessarily obey your orders and may never find its way home.

Polymorph Bothers
Polymorphs general nuisances and annoying people into another being of your choice.

Seven Gats
Gunmetal grey "wands of death ray" with handles and triggers and six charges each appear in the hands of the caster and six randomly determined nearby creatures.

Level 5
Interposing Han
A cocky smuggler with a heart of gold appears between caster and target. He always wins initiative.

The caster transforms a 10' deep, 5' diameter section of wooden, plaster or stone wall into one of those walls that everyone pisses on when they're walking home after a night out.

Transform Roc to Mud
This spell transforms target enormous legendary bird into an equal amount of mud.

Level 6
Invisible Staker
Caster creates an immaterial being carrying an invisible wooden stake which moves and attacks as the caster directs.

Leg End Lore 
Leg end lore brings to the caster's mind knowledge about a person, place, or thing's feet, including footwear, foot size, and last known state of hangnails.

Move Hearth
A single hearth, fireplace or log fire can be directed to move to the location of caster's choice.

Level 7
Magic Word
Target says "please".

Phrase Door
Enchants a door in such a way that it will only open to a stated phrase.

Target creature or surface becomes smooth, shiny and moisture resistant.

Level 8
Clenched Fish
Target aquatic animal becomes squished around the middle as though grabbed by a large and unforgiving hand.

Mind Bank
Brainbroker from the Cerebelow crawls up from the cracks between all things to give you competitive interest rates on brain loans. Utilise his services if you wish but if you can't keep up your payments their grell debt collection teams will hunt you and find you to reclaim moneys owing.

Really genuinely impress people with every little thing you do for a few hours. Whilst this initially feels great it quickly feels boring and condescending.

Level 9
Power Word Kilt
The caster utters a word of power which instantly makes tartan dresses appear on all creatures within earshot. Underwear, of course, disappears too.

Friday 17 January 2014

The Folk of the Woods

Oh shit there is generic Cthulhu shit going on in the woods what with the maddening piping and cacaphonous singing and the wailing and stuff.
Local townsfolk are dressing up weird and wandering off and only eating vegetables that fell off the back of the cart before being sold.

The PCs enter the woods and discover a small army of disheveled twenty-somethings wearing round glasses and poor hair decisions. They experience:

1. Two fairly attractive chicks, one lazily playing a banjo while the other manages to sing in five different keys, some of which were heretofore unknown to man, over the course of a two minute song about the impact of swear words.

2. A man with a guitar playing a single song as a cute yet frenetic young boy dances enthusiastically.

3. A three man band loosely holding instruments while stamping, hollering, harmonising poorly, and generally making a racket. Later they will play Braid background music on (roll three times):
   - 1. A tambourine
   - 2. A guitar (50% chance obnoxiously tiny)
   - 3. A pump organ
   - 4. A wooden flute
   - 5. A large bass drum (50% chance w/ ocarina in mouth)
   - 6. A violin (50% chance of dual wielded, hand plucked)

4. The crowd is formed into groups and dancing to Scottish music under the instruction of a man with tufted hair which points in three directions. There is not really enough room for everyone in this forest glade and somehow each group has a 50% chance of not having the right number of people.

5. Surprisingly good, vaguely Billie Piper-ish singer belts out surging, impassioned lyrics. If there is a lesbian in your party she will immediately fall in love and buy a CD straight after the show.

6. Disappointingly slow strip-the-willow bungled on account of uneven numbers. Participants make do, fail to reach railgun velocities to the chagrin of some.

Next week we're playing at that abandoned temple of the god of silence. It's totally ironic.

Wednesday 15 January 2014

Rune Magic 3 - Rune Dungeon

Welcome to part 3, the belated sequel.

PART THE FIRST - Making Runes
PART THE SECOND - Rune Mechanics
PART THE THIRD - Tutorial Rune Dungeo

Why use this dungeon?

This dungeon is meant to slowly introduce your players to the concept of runes and how to use them.

Of course they'll try to exploit runes for fun and profit, but if they prominently display their runic might then the knowledge will spread and they could be facing a widespread magical Renaissance!
It is like I am James Raggi except that if the PCs fuck up everybody else in the world gets a better standard of living.

If you don't want runes to be used in the rest of your world, then this can even act as a gimmicky rune gimmick dungeon.

It's a fairly low level dungeon but if I had to ballpark it it'd be intended for groups level 2-4.

What is going on with this dungeon?

A long, long time ago there was a war between Wizards and Rune Mages. Rune Magic is dangerous since even the common man can use it, and magic should stay in the hands of the learned! To stop it from ever being used against wizardkind again they locked the essence of rune magic into a giant crystal in a dungeon, created clay homunculi to protect it, and began a brutal decades-long purge of anybody and anything that still knew about the runes.

A great magical being of uncertain motives is locked within the crystal. It is this being which powers the runes and is in turn somehow sustained by them. It is this being who the wizards sealed in the dungeon all those years ago. It doesn't like wizards much for some reason.

An arbitrarily long time later  the Runic Wars are a half-remembered tale of how wizards are evil and how you should kill all the wizards you meet in case they try to start a war again. A small town in some backwater burg has had some weird stuff start happening. These old menhirs and giant henges which everyone thought were proof positive of ancient aliens have started glowing with strange runes and symbols. They are magical warning signs set by the ancient wizards, warning signs that few recognise and none realise the true significance of!

Adventure Hooks!

- Reports of crazy menhir shit have reached the ears of knowledgeable yet rebellious socialist wizards who believe magic should be for everyone. They hire a gang of 4 to 8 hoodlums to destroy the crystal and release Rune Magic into the world. They want first dibs on anything you learn about how they work so that they can turn a tidy profit on an initial range of self-heating cookware.
- An ancient wizard sees the signs and sends a gang of 4 to 8 hoodlums to investigate the situation and, if possible, stop the crystal from being broken. He can't do it himself because he's "busy". This is wizard's cant for "scrying and masturbating".
- A routine Wipe Out Arbitrary Number of Local Biped Population quest gets interesting when it is discovered that the leader's cave is the entrance hall of this rune dungeon. Luckily 4 to 8 hoodlums are here to help!
- A gang of 4 to 8 hoodlums go off the map and you need a module fast, figuring they'll be too busy working out how runes work to realise that you forgot all your notes you slap down this bad boy.
- I am bad at adventure hooks.

The Map!

I actually lost the original (dodgy) map and half the room descriptions in between running this and now, probably because I am dumb.
Fun history: This was the first dungeon I ever made by myself and it was a linear 4e dungeon. Before I ran it I swiftly shoehorned it into another map and gave it some loopz.

Also available in pdf because I scanned it at work!

I often have a hell of a time trying to find a room number on a map so I add little tails to them so I can see which way I have to look to find the next room on the key.
Especially important since I numbered this dungeon haphazardly like a rube.

Special Things in this Dungeon!

Runes are either powered or unpowered and are better described in the previous rune sections.
Runes which are already powered can be switched off by touching them and sort of "pulling". Doing this gives you the knowledge required to "push" energy into a rune.
Breaking a powered rune turns it off immediately. In the case of a Take rune that has absorbed a lot of stuff (like the Take Light flashbang in room 2), breaking it means it releases everything in one go.

Skeleformers are these black obelisks with an eye carved on them. They are always tied to a single fairly shitty unarmed skeleton which stands in front of them and attacks people, if the skeleton is killed all its bits get sucked back to the obelisk and immediately rebuilt.
If you can prevent a bit of a skeleton from rejoining the whole you're safe.
In darkness the eye is open and the obelisk functions normally. If exposed to light the eye closes and and the obelisk goes inert.

The skeletons try to grab light sources and blow them out but they have no lungs so it's a futile gesture. If they're smart they grab your torch then jump off a bridge so you can't get it back.

Clay Homunculi are the main denizens of this dungeon, they rarely if ever leave their lair in the  western side of the dungeon. 
They come in a variety of fun flavours:
Regular Clay Dudes fat, blobby and humanoid. They have lumpy fists and try to force their blobby arm down your throat to suffocate you, then feed you to the Clay God to make more clay dudes.
Ranged Clay Dudes grab chunks of themselves and chuck them at you. This damages them, but the living clay actively tries to fuck you over by getting in your eyes, sticking you to the floor, or whatever.
Clay Mage Dudes are rake-thin and have tentacley arms rather than the usual chunky clay fists. They also have long thin stone staffs. Their spells are a couple of clay-based magic missiles and a sticky clay web which doesn't burn like a normal web spell. 
Since they are made out of clay they are very vulnerable to Earth-based runes. 

Regular clay dudes and clay mage dudes are 2HD
Ranged clay dudes are 1HD

They are all resistant to bashing damage due to their semiamorphous bodies and can pretend to be blobs of clay on the floor before congealing into their usual blobby man shape.

If hit by a ranged homunculi, see where it got you on this hit location table. Everything takes a full round to scrape off/wriggle out of.
1. Face. Blinding
2. Left arm. Drop what you're holding in that hand and your arm is useless.
3. Right arm. Drop what you're holding in that hand and your arm is useless.
4. Left leg. Way slower.
5. Right leg. Way slower, both legs means you can't move.
6. Gut. Oof! Winded you badly, -2 to attacks and AC this turn.
Multiple shots to the same place give you worse effects. Maybe multiple shots to the face mean you can't breathe or something.

My monster stats were like:
Skeleton - MV 40 AC 12 HD 1 ATK 1 DMG 1d6 SV F1 ML 12

Regular Clay Dude MV 30 AC 14 HD 2 ATK 1 DMG 1d8 SV F2 ML 10
Ranged Clay Dude MV 50 AC 12 HD 1 ATK 1 DMG 1d6 [+ roll on table] SV F1 ML 10
Clay Mage Dude MV 50 AC 12 HD 2 ATK 1 DMG 1d6 SV M2 ML 10
 - Spells: Clay magic missile*2, clay web*1

Half a Lich MV 40 AC 12 HD 4 ATK 1 DMG 1d8+3 SV M4 ML 9
 - Spells: Breath a Cone of Cold*1, gets lichy spells back if he ever doubles his initial HP.
Lich's skeletons MV 60 AC 14 HD 1 ATK 2 DMG 1d6, 1d6 SV F1 ML 7

Wave elemental MV 20/60 in water AC 12 HD 3 ATK 1 [throw living water to ignore armour or slam attack for more damage] DMG 1d6 or 1d10 SV F3 ML 10
Fire elemental MV 50 AC 12 HD 1 ATK 2 DMG 1d6/1d6 SV F1 ML 10
Crystal golem MV 30 AC 16 HD 2 ATK 1 DMG 1d8 SV M2 ML 12
Giant crystal golem MV 50 AC 16 HD 4 ATK 1 DMG 1d12 SV M4 ML 12

Great tentacled beastie MV 80 (swims) AC 12 per tentacle HD 10 ATK 1 [per person in the water] DMG 1d6 [but then 1d10/turn while it crushes you] SV F6 ML 7

But you can, of course, adjust them.

Map Key!

Make Light

1. Skeleformers and rune lights
- This room contains four skeleformers. The westmost ones have bone piles in front of them, the eastmost ones have skeletons in front of them.
- Above each skeleformer is a Make Light rune but only the ones on the west side of the room are lit, this means only one side of the room is illuminated.
- The east door also has one of those light-sensitive eyes like the obelisks.

-- This room is meant to show them the mechanics of the light sensitive skeleton obelisks and also let them experiment with the runes on the ceiling if they want. Minor combat supplied for those who can't be bothered with the runes. They can, of course, just use torches or whatever.

2. Take Runes
Take Earth
Take Light
- Very similar to the previous room except there are great big piles of dirt all over the place, including over where the skeleformers to the east should be. This means only the skeleformers to the west are deactivated. Also all four Make Light runes on the ceiling are on.

- Immediately inside the entrance is a Take Light rune made from dried dirt. It is shadowy in that area as though all the light is being sucked into the rune. This is what is happening and has been happening for a very very long time. Scuffing the rune by accident or by design releases a fuckton of light, blinding anybody nearby for a full ten minutes if they fail a Save vs Paralysis.
 - In the centre of the room a powered Take Earth rune has been carved. Turning it off releases a heap more dirt. Turning it back on again absorbs all the dirt in a 10 ft radius, not good enough to reveal the doors behind dirt piles at each of the cardinal points.

-- This room is meant to show them how runes fit together, how runes are made up of an effector Master symbol and an elemental Minor symbol, and which one is which. Also that the Take runes have a 10' radius.

3. Robing Room
- This room is long and well lit by Make Light runes.
There are long white robes hung over drying racks attached to the walls. Pointy wizardy hats hang on hatstands. 
-The walls are covered in a tasteful mosaic depicting good guy wizards in pointy hats killing bad guy rune mages. 
-In a free-standing cupboard in the middle of the room is a robe covered in yellow mold which, as is traditional, looks like some sort of expensive gold cloth super robe.

4. Secret Room
- In the hall is a statue of a wizard, depicted in the act of breaking a Make Light rune inscribed on a tablet in two. He has a glorious aquiline nose and looks very smug. Pushing said nose opens the secret door into room 4.
- The room contains a single spellbook on a pedestal. It is rather well preserved and contains several regular magic user spells, alongside a spell used to force a bound entity to power a rune (or a number of runes) for you.

5. Washing Room
- Well lit by Make Light runes.
- Water flows through this room from a grille then drains away through a similar grille on the other side. There's a small bridge but it looks like people just used to wash their clothes here.
- The walls are covered in a tasteful mosaic depicting the various evils of the rune mages. Tortures, murders, common people with access to magic, that sort of thing.

6. Half a lich
- It looks like something tunneled through the wall in the southeast, skittered across the floor, then burst through the opposite wall in the northwest.
- Unfortunately it also drilled through some sort of lich who was guarding three treasure chests in here. He's pretty fucked over and seems pretty confused as to why he's here. He also has a few skeletal guards in various stages of disrepair. They have raggedy armour and are faster than the regular skeletons around here though.
- When the party enter the room he mutters something about a riddle before trying to absorb their life juices. He gains hp for every point of damage he deals. If he gets back to maximum hp he becomes fully armed and operational.
- The treasure chests contain coins of various denominations, an opal ring that allows the wearer to power runes from ten foot away without touching them, and a rune-based hoverboard which works fine because the bottom and side runes below are already on.

-- The hoverboard is suppose to get the players thinking of stupid exploity things to build with the runes. The opal ring, of course, makes riding it that much easier. Plus it is the first glimpse at a combo rune which makes them want to try every combination, hoorah!

(Clockwise from top in picture - Take Gravity, Repel Mass, Repel Mass)

7. The Watcher in the Water
- The water here contains a great tentacled beastie who just wants a hug. It doesn't know its own strength though so it tends to hurt people. Only pops out when you disturb the surface of the water.
- Beyond it is an exit, the drilling machine went out of control and drilled through here before zooming through more of the complex.

8. Waiting Room
- Empty save for a few comfy chairs and a fancy coat stand that might be worth a bit of cash.

9. Ruined Room
- That drilling machine careened through a wall and dived into the ground, ruining the tasteful mosaics. Following the tunnel leads you to Room 13 unless the plug in Room 10 was deployed in which case the tunnel is full of water and, potentially, a couple of wave elementals.

Change Mass
10. Pool Party
- Water flows strongly from west to east. Some watery wave elementals hang around here and attack anyone who enters the water, trying to get in their mouth and nose and drown them.
- Visible beneath the water in the centre of the room is a large disk with a Change Mass rune on it. Powering the rune makes the plug descend and suck all the water down it. Luckily the gap is too small for a person to get sucked in unless they are deformable like a wave elemental or something.

-- Mass is a weird one, somehow my players got it immediately though. They even called it Mass. This room gives them two whole new symbols to play with.

11. Dormitory
- It is some sort of dormitory with beds and stuff in it. Make Light runes next to door and on ceiling but they are unlit. Everything is fairly moldy despite the preservative effects of the dungeon. Trunks at the foot of each bed might hold loot.
Make Cold

Make Heat

12. Kitchen
- A kitchen/dining room! Well lit due to powered Make Light runes. Kitchen contains sturdy ceramic plates, nice cutlery, and heating hobs made from Make Heat runes.
- Stone cups with Make Cold runes on the bottom so you can keep your drinks cold.

-- Giving opposite runes together is good because it makes it really easy for them to work out what each does. Plus, convenient inventions!

13. Chasm
- East side of the room lit by Make Light runes.
- A 30' wide, 200' deep chasm. At the very bottom, if a light source was thrown down and maybe a telescope used, there is the shattered remains of a drilling machine and its [ratman/similar shitty steamtech race] crew. Also visible are the shattered remains of a bridge.
Skeleformers but the drilling machine took the ones out in the south. Knocking skeletons down hole is valid means of dealing with them.
- Large circle of loose dirt suitable for testing runes out in is available on the floor on the east side.
- On the west side flickering lights can be seen bobbing about. These are in fact dickish fire elementals guarding one entrance to the Homunculus side of the dungeon.
- Beyond this point, the walls are lined with torch sconces with no torches in them.

14. Double Bluff
Four statues of the core four D&D classes all point in pain and fear at a pedestal in the centre of the room. On the pedestal, inside a glass box, is a large and valuable ruby shaped like the final boss crystal.
The walls, floor and pedestal itself are peppered with finger-thickness holes. Every flagstone depresses with a quiet click and causes the sound of machinery to rumble in the walls for a while.
There is no real trap and the crystal has no special powers other than its value.

15. Portal Pits
- Two pits. Fall in one pit and fall out of the other with the same momentum! Continue falling against the ceiling back and forth until you're dead! And your body just won't stop! It'll keep smacking against the ceiling again and again until you fall out sideways or you presumably reach some sort of equilibrium point!

16. Surrounded by Skeletons
Repel Light
- A Big rock with a Repel Light rune carved onto it is attached to a large, free swinging crane.
- Circular room has walls lined with 14 Skeleformers.
- Light from Repel rune sprays out in a 90 degree arc meaning a guy using the crane thing would only be able to cover a quarter of the room at a time.
- Door to north has an obelisk-type eye on it and opens only when you shine light on it.

-- This room is a cakewalk because they can just use their own light sources, the main reason it's here is to show the 45 degree spray angle of a Repel rune when it's used with an element like Light.

17. Secret Room 
- Accessed by pulling torch sconce, wall segment swings open. Inside is a small alchemical lab containing a few potions, some research on how to form and animate Clay Homunculi. Spellbook with a few MU spells along with the clay Magic Missile and the clay Web variants that Clay Mage Dudes can cast.

18. The Tomb of the Clay God
Make Water
Make Earth
 - Huge vaulted room with enormous, grotesquely fat man-shaped figure in the centre. It is the Clay God. Its skin ripples, and if any PCs or NPCs have died in the dungeon they are getting fed into its skin AS WE SPEAK. Wait long enough and you'll see a new homunculus emerge of a fitting type (stabby guys become regular clay dudes, shooty guys turn into ranged clay dudes, casters become clay mage dudes).
- Four regular clay dudes are standing at each of the big clay dispensing basins at the north and south ends of the room, grabbing goopy loads of clay and slapping them onto the Clay God while a congregation of twelve clay dudes of various types prays to it, led by a clay mage dude on a pulpit.
- They're trying to make it come to life, march out the doors, and bring them to a messy, clay-covered victory in the lands above. They've been trying this for millenia and it hasn't worked but hey there's no harm in trying! To the casual observer it sure looks like a world-destroying ritual that's going to be completed at any moment.
 - The clay dispensing basins contain a powered Make Earth rune and a powered Make Water rune.

19. Clay Pillar
 - A big pillar of clay in the centre of the room and four blobby clay mounds around the room reveal themselves to be two regular clay dudes, two ranged clay dudes, and a clay mage dude on top of the pillar.
- They are guarding the entrance to the Homunculus part of the dungeon.

20. Fancy Dining Room
- Well lit by Make Light runes.
- Long oak dinner tables covered with fancy silverwear and fine china.
- Attached kitchen area to north contains Heating hobs made with Make Heat runes, stone cups with Make Cold runes at the bottom to keep your drinks cold.
- Box carved with image of a bird on fire contains three strips of phoenix meat, warm and delicious. Incredibly valuable, but eating it brings you back to maximum HP immediately.

21. Fancy Dormitory
- A bunch of nice four poster beds with various trunks and cupboards containing a variety of low value and/or mildly magical treasures.

22. Toilet
- Well lit by Make Light runes. 
- Modern amenities! If investigated, all water is supplied via Make Water runes.
Take Rock

23. Library
- Musty library, shelves contain a variety of historical tomes and information about what actually happened in the Runic Wars, various explanatory texts on how runes work (ie. the players can ask you a few questions on how the runes work mechanically), a bunch of spellbooks and/or scrolls.
Make Rock

24. Chasm with Bridge

- A 30' wide, 100' deep chasm with water wheel type things on each side of the east door. Above each water wheel is a Make Rock rune and on the floor in front of each is a Take Rock rune.
- Power both runes and rock is generated at the top the sucked towards the rune at the bottom.
- Turning the water wheels makes a bridge extend from east to west.

Repel Light
25. Weighing Scales
- Four skeleformers against the east wall.
- Upper level to the west accessed by giant stone scales (See diagram below because I am bad at explaining this)
Take Mass
- Big stone cube at ground level has a powered Repel Light rune keeping the skeleformers deactivated. Take Mass rune on top is unpowered.
- Intended puzzle solution is to activate the Take Mass rune, push now-light cube to one side of the scales, then deactivate it. This hides the Repel Light rune and makes the skeletons come to life oh no.
- Moving the scales opens an obvious secret door in the east wall.

26. Magic Fountain
 - A big fountain surrounded by shallow stone bowls.
- The first drink from the fountain increases a random stat by d4 points. Neat!
- Subsequent drinks result in mutations from your favourite mutation table of choice.

-- I used Scrap's and ended up with a player with, to whit, "a mushroom head, cat face, extra-jointed arms, poisonous insectoid limbs on back, and something mysterious involving a boiling bubbling feeling in your veins".

27. Twizzler the Wizard
- Some crazy old fuck is cowering behind a Hold Portal'd door. He will open the door if he can be convinced that you aren't "those gloopy clay fuckers come back again".
- He has a history book which says how this powerful rune magic stuff was sealed in a giant crystal in this dungeon, and how if you can destroy the crystal you will be able to use rune magic anywhere in the world!
Repel Flame

28. Trappy Sorcerer Room
- The door into this room has a grille so you can see inside where a clay mage dude is blurbling something ritualistic from a spellbook on a podium.
Repel Mass
- Two ranged clay dudes sit near clay dispensing basins at the western corners of the room which they grab clay out of to throw at you instead of tearing it off their own bodies.
- The area directly in front of the clay mage dude is a fire trap created via a Repel Flame rune. He can activate it as soon as someone steps on it.
In the eastern corners of the room are Repel Mass runes which, when activated, throw whatever's in front of them into spiky walls. A regular clay dude at the front tries to grab people and drag them into range of the spike traps.
- When the clay mage dude dies the floor where he was standing opens up, leading to a staircase down to area 29.

29. Hub
- A multilayered barrier of three shields covers a floating platform in the centre of the room. Below the floating platform can be seen the gigantic chamber of Room 35.
- Between the door to Room 30 and the central platform is a laser platform sitting on a strange wiggly glyph. This platform can fire a hideously powerful instant vaporisation beam and is ridden like this thing ->
- It gets three shots before it runs out of juice, and every shot makes it slower and less maneuverable until by the third shot it's gone completely inert. Recharge it by moving it over the strange wiggly symbol.
- If you fire a beam at the central shields it removes a layer of shielding. The shield flickers back up after a round.

-- The laser platform is required for the final boss fight against the crystal and its shields, Finding one now means they can test out the mechanics.

30. Beds
- Sweet, delicious beds. Powered Take Earth rune on doorjamb means clay homunculi couldn't get in here if they tried, and has the side effect of sucking away most of the dirt on your clothes when you walk past.

31. Gravity Trap
- Long hall with some sort of railway tracks leading from the door to the far end (actually a horizontal ladder built into the floor).
- Laser emitter at far end, if activated, will shoot a beam through a hole above the entrance door and deactivate a layer of shields.
- Unmarked Switch A in an upright position near door, unmarked Switch B in an upright position at other end.
- Flip Switch A when Switch B is upright and everyone feels a jolt like the room just fell half an inch. Flip Switch A when Switch B is depressed and gravity switches so that it pulls towards the entrance.
- Flip Switch B and the laser turns on, but gravity switches to pull towards the laser end.
- Obviously this is ye olde corridor-which-is-actually-a-pit trap.

32. Crystal Golems
- A giant 4HD crystalline humanoid sculpture and two smaller 2HD crystalline humanoid sculptures. They are all crystal golems. They don't start moving unless they're attacked or somebody tries to fuck with the laser beam.
- Laser emitter on far wall is firing a laser beam will, if uninterrupted, pass through a hole above the entrance door and deactivate a layer of shields. Currently it refracts through the giant one's head and out the front of its face which is aimed at the floor.
- The giant one can direct the beams towards one of the small ones who can redirect the beam further. The beams, obviously, damage normal people but you can make a dex check to dodge one if it's directed at you. Also they can just hit you with their hard crystal fists which really fucking hurts.
- They refract laser platform beams into harmless rainbows.
Change Mass

33. Water World
- Large, deep pool of bubbling water containing six wave elementals. Vaporised easily by laser platform beams or prudent use of water-based runes.
- Column in centre of pool from bottom of pool to ceiling. Laser emitter near ceiling will, if deactivate a layer of shields.
activated, shoot a laser beam through a hole above the entrance door and
- Switch visible at very bottom of pool will activate the laser emitter. Bubbles make swimming down there very difficult.
- Luckily there are a couple of chests within easy diving distance on ledges. They contain a Fullmetal Amethyst - a ring which allows the wearer to create a rune of up to three symbols instantly by clapping their hands together and placing them on a flat surface, and Iron Boots - Clumpy boots with Change Mass runes on the side to make them much heavier when activated.

34. Light Maze
- A maze containing mirrors turned in random directions. The mirrors can all be spun on a vertical axis. There are also a bunch of webs around the place and the area is thick with flies. There is no explanation for this other than that I first made this map when I was running 4e and/or magic.
- Laser emitter in south-west corner of the maze is on but being beamed in the wrong direction by reflecting off a mirror. Little x's on map have holes in the floor where you can slot a mirror if you pick one up and put it somewhere else.
- This is a poorly made map and I just noticed I transcribed it from the original wrong so you should probably make your own in a similar theme.
- The pokey-out triangles in various places are chests with crystal locks which can only be opened easily by directing a laser beam into them. They contain, variously, generic coin-based loot, a fuckload of poisonous spiders and a fancy hat.
- Big swarms of spiders roam this area, they tend to live behind the secret door to the northwest which is actually just a heavily cracked and weakened but of wall. You can get to the surface via a web of micro-tunnels if you're the size of a tarantula or smaller.
- The secret door to the south-east contains a heap of replacement mirrors and not much else.

35. The Boss
- When the PCs step onto the floating platform in Room 29 it starts to lower, slowly rotating to give them a good look at the giant, dome-shaped final boss room.
- In the centre, a huge cloudy crystal structure protected by three layers of shields. A blurry shape is contained within.
- A squiggly glyph at each of the cardinal points of the room of the sort which recharge laser platforms.
- An ominous doorway at each of the ordinal points.

Lots going on in this boss fight so I'll break it down. But first, the rationale.
-- The central dynamic rests on the guy on the laser platform having to choose between taking down the boss and disintegrating whole lines of clay men. Focus too much on clay men and you'll never get anywhere with the boss, focus too much on the boss and you'll be overwhelmed by the clay men.
- His compatriots have to stem the tide of clay men and hopefully steal another laser platform from one of the randomly spawned laser riders.
- Since you need to zip around the room in order to recharge the laser platform and the boss throws out a lot of AoE attacks, people are going to be running around a lot which should be chaotic.

The Boss creates runes (See boss attack table). The runes are formed on one round then go off in the next, so the PCs will have a turn to work out what's coming and/or get out of the firing line.
The Boss has three levels of shields that need to be burned away by laser platform beams and the shields don't regenerate on their own, unless the boss gets damaged or forms a rock shield.
Homunculi (roll d6 on homunculi table) are spawned from a random ominous doorway (roll a d4 for each group spawned).
Recharging a laser platform via a squiggly glyph deactivates the glyph, roll on the Glyph Reactivation table every round to see if it lights back up. Additionally, a Make Explosion rune forms on a glyph when it's used which goes off a round later.
Ordinarily a lit glyph instantly recharges a laser platform, but they have a chance to reactivate as a supercharged glyph. Using a supercharged glyph lets you shoot two beams for the price of one with your next shot.

This is a boss fight and so as one might expect, it goes through 3 stages.
Stage 1: Runes formed and homunculi spawned every second round. When the shields are removed and the crystal itself is hit by a beam, great cracks lance up and down, the shields regenerate, and it moves onto -
Stage 2: Runes formed and homunculi spawned every round. When the shields are removed and the crystal itself is hit by a beam, the shards start crunching in and out on their own, the dark shape within the crystal starts moving, the shields regenerate, and it moves onto -
Stage 3: Runes formed every round and homunculi spawned d4 times per round. When the shields are removed and the crystal itself is hit by a beam, the homunculi collapse, the lights go out, the crystal shatters into a thousand shards and...

Whatever you want to put in there is in there. Whatever it is will probably ignore the PCs, blast out of the roof, and go off to do Unspecified Bad Things. On the plus side, they can now use rune magic anywhere in the world! I had 5 elemental dragons inside which flew out to start terrorising far flung lands and set up dragon cults and basically be bad news, luckily some shithead had recently released a bunch of dragon cult posts at the time so I had a lot to work with!

Final Boss Tables!

Boss Attack
See: This document for the runes used.

Rock shield around crystal, resists a beam and regenerates all layers of shields.
Darkness affects whole room
Enlarge Homonculus Minion, double HP and damage
Big firey explosion rune formed under feet of the biggest grouping of enemies
Explosion string targets 3 randomly determined enemies
Shockwave projected from crystal throws people back in 90 degree arc
Lightning beam sweeps in 90 degree arc
Single target beam hits all in a line
Bullshit bouncing frost ball bounces between 3 nearby targets, ally or enemy.

Homunculus Spawn (Each group comes from a random ominous doorway)

1d6 Regular Clay Dudes.
1d4 Ranged Clay Dudes
Ranged Clay Dude on a Laser Platform!

Squiggly Glyph Recharge (roll for each unlit glyph every round)

Stays unlit